Needing Something

It's been several months now with no guidance. It almost feels like it was never a part of my life. After a while I just stopped thinking about it, but now it's popping up around every corner. I'm feeling lost, like I'm not really living MY own life but someone else's instead. I met someone. It's been about 2 months now. I'm slowly trying to give myself to him a little at a time to see how he responds to it, whether he'll step up to give me what I need. We were playing around earlier this week and he grabbed me by my hair. For a split second I thought he was going to pull my head back and I got so excited. My breathing got heavy. I arched my back into it and pressed myself closer to him to let him know it was ok but he didn't do it. I was a little disappointed. Well I'll admit it... a lot. I keep having these images of him spanking me flash through my head. How long can a girl like me last out here by herself?

To Father Jon

My response to the comment about you now knowing that black women bruise too: "Are you kidding?!!!"